Will You Be My Friend?

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Aristotle on Friendship Making Friends Reflect and Connect References

A 2017 study led by the University College London’s Division of Psychological and Language Sciences (PaLS) found that “watching a live theatre performance can synchronize your heartbeat with other people in audience, regardless if you know them or not.”

Theatre is a place of connection, community, and conversation. We often go to the theatre with friends, classmates, or family members, feeling connected not only to the stories depicted on stage but also to the audience members around us. Sharing the same space, time, and common interests are how we begin to develop pure connections with others and plant the seeds for new budding friendships. In our modern world where technology can overshadow in-person interactions, the theatre remains a powerful place that brings folks together in a profound way, to the point where our heartbeats may even begin to synchronize. Often, we leave a performance with a new perspective, a new idea on various themes, and insights into experiences only once imagined. Deep conversations occur on the way out of the building and long after the final bow is taken. Overall, some form of connection is made that draws us out of our homes and isolation.

In The Counter, playwright Meghan Kennedy asks us to look at one very specific connection: an unlikely friendship between a waitress, Katie, and a regular, Paul. After many cups of coffee and hours of conversation, Paul one day poses a question:

What if we decide to become friends. Real friends. Like we tell each other secrets. And we help each other sort through things. And give each other tough talk. What if we tried that? Wouldn’t it make things a little different and wouldn’t that be good?

Over the play, as we sit in community together, we get to watch the unfolding friendship between two individuals who are meeting in the second half of their lives. This unlikely pairing raises the question: How can we begin to build new friendships with so much history behind us, and how can we trust that these connections will endure even when our deepest secrets are revealed?

Aristotle on Friendship

Many philosophical discussions on friendship start, as with most theatre, with the Greeks. In Aristotle’s The Nicomachean Ethics he writes:  

We consider a friend to be one of the greatest of all good things, and friendlessness and solitude a very terrible thing, because the whole of life and voluntary interactions are with loved ones.

Aristotle considers friendship not only as a fundamental component of human life, but also a crucial element in living a well-balanced lifestyle. According to the philosopher there are three types of friendships.

1. The friendship of utility. Utility friendships are based on what someone can do for you, or what you can do for another person. This is where Paul and Katie’s friendship begins. Katie provides a service; Paul makes a choice to sit at the counter in exchange for conversation and a chance to get out of his home. These relationships, which sometimes morph into deeper friendships, have little to do with the character of the individuals in the relationship, and can end as soon as the service is no longer needed. 
    
2. The friendship of pleasure. Pleasure friendships are based on the enjoyment of a shared activity, one that evokes positive emotions and moments of joy, even if the moments are fleeting. This could be someone you meet up with for happy hour after work, go to the theatre with on occasion, or with whom you share a particular hobby or common interest. Paul tells Katie about his love of going to the movies and she offers to share her Netflix password. This transitions them from a friendship of utility to one of pleasure. Again, these friendships could end quickly due to ever-changing likes and dislikes. Paul and Katie, however, continue to evolve and deepen their friendship throughout the play and finally transition into the last friendship category.
   
   
3. The friendship of virtue. Virtue friendships are based on mutual respect and appreciation of one’s character. They positively influence your life and push you to be a better person. This relationship is based on two individuals who are self-sufficient equals. It is a more stable relationship than the previous two categories, and one that continues to deepen with time. These friendships are not based off a transaction or a fleeting moment of joy. Trust has been developed and is now a pillar of the relationship. Over the course of the play, we see Paul and Katie begin to trust one another, eventually revealing secrets they’ve both been carrying. This trust offers an opportunity to deepen the connection and ultimately leads to them helping the other make choices and decisions.  

While philosophers like Aristotle examined the necessity of relationships beyond familial and romantic, recent scientific research highlights the crucial role of social connections in combating loneliness and enhancing the quality of our lives. Not only do friends bring joy, but they can also improve our health. In her book Friendship, Lydia Denworth explores the evolution, biology, and profound impact of this fundamental bond. According to Denworth, “there is a bottom line—a biological need for connection that must be met to achieve basic health and well-being.” Understanding how we form friendships and how these dynamics change throughout our lives is essential and has become a significant public health issue, especially in a post-pandemic world where our entire society was forced into isolation. In the play, Paul asks Katie to be a real friend, but how do friendships naturally develop, and what steps can we take to ensure that we continue to build these relationships as we age?

Making Friends

In youth, friendships primarily fall under the categories of utility and pleasure. We have playdates with neighborhood kids and gravitate towards peers of similar ages at community events. It is convenience, rather than choice, that often sustains these early friendships. Some of these relationships might grow or evolve as we navigate other milestones of our youth and might carry through into adulthood. Once we reach high school, we start to better understand what we like and dislike, which can motivate us to find like-minded individuals. This is also when we begin to develop crushes on folks, some of whom might have previously been categorized as a friend, and now their role in our lives changes completely.

Navigating the changing nature of friendships in high school can be challenging due to social rankings and the expectations of who we should become versus who we are becoming. If one chooses to pursue higher education, the traditional collegiate experience places them in pockets of community whether through dormitories or academic interests. In this structured environment, trust can be built, and time can be invested in understanding both our own character and the character of our new friends. After completing structured schooling (either high school or college), we are thrust into the working world, which can naturally cause divides and shifts in friendships from our youth due to changes in location, interests, and personal responsibilities. Proximity is a key factor in our early friendships, and as we evolve, we might find ourselves, like Katie, in a new place with no familiar faces. As adults, we begin to make significant choices that change the course of our lives. Some of these choices can include living with a significant other, starting our own families, traveling the world, or caregiving for family members, as Paul has done. These divergent paths often lead to less time for maintaining old friendships and difficulty in making new ones. Additionally, we may face the passing of a loved one or other external circumstances that take up time and energy that was once devoted to socializing with our friends. As our priorities shift and morph, we often let go of our friendships. We are starting to learn that the more time spent with friends makes facing adult challenges easier.

Paul and Katie meet in-person, which has become increasingly more difficult in our technological world. Likes and comments on social media posts can create the illusion of an abundance of friends, when in fact it has become even harder to make friends for generations growing up in the age of social media. Connecting online seems like a real way of cultivating friendships, but it is no replacement for in-person connections. In Hope Kelaher’s book, Here to Make Friends, she observes that “it is easy to stay behind the screen and never take that step of meeting in person.” In-person connection takes vulnerability and strength. As we grow older, we tend to be less bold, creating new anxieties about approaching new potential friends. Our lives become busier, and it can be emotionally easier to observe others’ lives through social media rather than actively cultivate our own relationships or take risks in transforming a utility friendship into one of virtue, as Paul bravely suggests to Katie at the start of the play.

According to Kelaher, there is a specific friendship divide that happens in the late 30s to early 40s where folks, like Katie, make a choice (or the choice is made for them) to not biologically have their own children. They often find themselves on a very different path from some of their earlier virtue friends, who are now raising families and meeting other parents in the convenience of their neighborhood. This shift requires them to embark on a new cycle of making friends as single individuals navigating midlife. The transition between early and mid-adulthood brings the need to forge meaningful connections into stark relief as in-person interactions become increasingly rare. Many individuals in midlife opt to live alone, which can lead to loneliness despite the desire for connection. The need to maintain one’s autonomy can often complicate efforts to build new relationships.

Making friends in adulthood demands courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace change. Paul and Katie show us how a friendship can grow from a simple exchange of pleasantries into a truly meaningful bond. Their story reminds us that forming connections is crucial for combating loneliness. It is never too late to start a new friendship, deepen an existing one, and take risks to allow yourself to be known. True friendship can significantly enhance our happiness and overall well-being.

Reflect and Connect

Have you made an “unlikely friendship” and what is the story of that friendship? Can you identify qualities in your friendship that indicate if it’s a friendship of utility, service, or pleasure?

References

Note: Members of the New York Public Library can access JSTOR and many other research databases through the library’s Articles & Databases page.

Aristotle. The Nicomachean Ethics. Translated by W.D. Ross, Oxford UP, 2009. 

“Audience Members’ Hearts Beat Together at Theatre.” University College London, 16 Nov. 2017.

Bryan, Bradley. “Approaching Others: Aristotle on Friendship’s Possibility.” Political Theory, vol. 37, no.6, Dec. 2009, pp. 754-779. Sage Publications, Inc.

Cox, Daniel A., et al. “The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss.” The Survey Center on American Life, 7 Apr. 2022.

Denworth, Lydia. Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond. W.W. Norton & Company, 2021.

Lee, Suyinn, Cai Lian Tam, and Qiu Ting Chie. “Mobile Phone Usage Preferences: The Contributing Factors of Personality, Social Anxiety, and Loneliness.” Social Indicators Research, vol. 118, no. 3, Sept. 2014, pp. 1205-1228.

Martínez Alemán, Ana M. “College Women’s Female Friendships: A Longitudinal View.” The Journal of Higher Education, vol. 81, no.5, Sept./Oct. 2010, pp. 553-582.

Published on September 9, 2024.